Patty Fatois - The Woman

Hello again to you.

It's been a while. I haven't written much because of all the whisky that I was given at Christmas. It took me a long time to decide how best to drink it.

 I want to talk to you today about an important part of the Rev Fanoire Siphuncle's life. The woman in his life, Patty Fatois. Although the Reverend had many wives in his many lives there was always one constant companion that never left his side that wasn't a dog. Patty Fatois was Siphuncle's housemaid - and much more so this than. There is mention of Patty Fatois alongside the medieval accounts of the Reverend. She outlives him in the twentieth century and is born before him in the 19th century. A fearsomely intelligent woman she is credited with some of his inventions that he didn't, e.g. the horse-drawn colander, the Spine-Tidy medical implant, and the Scottish Potato. Not only this but some say she was the real love of his life and the secret mother of children that cannot be proved to have ever existed.

Patty Fatois was born in Trinidad and Tobago as one of three identical twins. Her mother, originally a Kenyan, disappeared during the birth and was never seen. Her French father, Ranulphe Fatois, a man in his late teens, and already balding all over, was left to deal with a complex multiple birth with no equipment or medical expertise. He performed the operation brilliantly showing gigantic brains and skill which he was to pass on to his daughter following his death and then he died.

The orphan Fatois was bundled with her siblings into what was called a "slavery batch" and boated to Liverpool, England where she was adopted by the clergy. It was here four decades later that Siphuncle and Fatois first met and meet they did and indeed with her as a forty-something maid and him as a lesser-aged clergical up-to-something. He had just accidentally married himself to Lady Annabelle Duchelm due to an administrative error and therefore needed a shoulder to cry on. Patty Fatois had the largest shoulder in England and so was summoned from Axminster to tend to the Reverend who was pretending to be the Archbishop of Canterbury for financial reasons. From that moment on they bonded in ways that can only be described. And immediately Patty was installed as his personal assistant, cleaner, and any other duties.

Throughout the years she supported him when his wifes had gone wild, or when an invention had gone missing, or when someone mistook him for the Archbishop of Canterbury and tried to stab him, or when someone confused him with Benjamin Disraeli (for financial reasons) and tried to break into his laboratory and leave excrement in his broth distillery, or when he just couldn't remember who he was (for financial reasons), or because.

I wont speak anymore as it is a long subject and instead you should buy my new audio CD 'Patty Fatois through the ages' which you can buy.

Also, it's lights out soon so I have to at least pretend to be asleep.

Next time I will talk about something else and then you will see!

Better luck next time!

Siphuncacillin - the Betamax of Antibiotics

Hello, Happy New Year (depending on what day it is - I am assuming it is not Easter yet?) and better luck next time. I am here again to discuss the further inventions of the Reverend. I will discuss three here.

Uhunium (Uh)

What would have been element 109 in the periodic table of chemical elements was tragically refused entry on a technicality. However, Uhunium being the first ever adhesive gas, has found itself glued into the hearts of all Siphuncle devotees. On the day he discovered Uhunium his cat was sick, his first and third wives left him, and a dead heron landed on his Ford Type A causing a heron shaped dent that could never be successfully removed. Uhunium was the light that shone on a dismal day for Fanoire Siphuncle, and despite causing his hand to be glued to his favourite mug, became a talisman for false hope in the face of moderate misfortune.

Not many know much about anything about this infamous element. As a first and only example of an adhesive gas it was immediately banned upon its discovery by the discoverer himself (a self-censoring habit that never left him). A few grams of gas were capable of glueing the eyelids shut on one of Siphuncle's experimental homing pigeons and its potency was clear as clay. To this day it is not clear what became of the tiny dripplings of Uh that were produced and that were. I have some but I'm not telling anyone. Go away.


Siphuncacillin

Siphuncle's version of penicillin was his "Betamax" moment (in fact he had quite a lot of Betamax moments). Discovered days after penicillin Siphuncle's version was, much like the Betamax analogy, better in every way than its competitor. Also, much like the analogy, due to manufacturing limitations a clinically effective dose of Siphuncacillin was much larger than his competitor's, in fact a single tablet was ironically the same size as a Betamax video recorder, though they were not to know that then. Almost impossible to swallow it was a marketing disaster. Patients were issued with knives and forks but there was no real hope for it and the product died as did most of his patients. Widespread antibiotic resistance (resistance mainly to swallowing them) put the final nail in the coffin for siphuncacillin.

The Inner Scratcher

A superb idea that never saw the light of day the Inner Scratcher was designed to scratch anything and everything that could be felt inside but not touched with human hand or foot or tooth. The device was three feet long and comprised a length of supercooled x-ray particles inside a wooden cane. Not very convincing you hear yourself say? Well I didn't hear you. The proof of the eating of the pudding is in the observation of the pudding eater eating the proof of the pudding. And I've seen that happening with my very eyes. I have seen it!!!

Now no more until next time and better luck next time. Happy nude years!

Nuclear Power, Feed The World and The Astroflange Mallard

Good evening and more on the Reverend's inventions now with one of his inventions that he did. This next one happened in the approximately 1930s circa. Professor Vernon Atrium has spoken about this and next him. Personally I don't believe a word of it but then I didn't believe in 'Family Fortunes' and that told me. I could have earned a mint with that idea. Oh, well better luck next time. Over to the Professor, who by the sounds of his ramblings is very quite drunk having received a crate of Crab Wine that I sent him last week.

"Siphuncle's genius knew no bounds, such that he often required a net to catch it as it flew by. Thus came upon about him betwixt one evening, as 'twere, his inventionary masterplace - the AstroFlange Mallard. A combination of Copernican Physics, Ptolemaic Chemistry and Nazi Ornithology, the AstroFlange Mallard was Siphuncle's attempt to feed the known world, whilst wiping out those portions of it he deemed, 'unnecessary'. Mounted upon two 360-degree fellatons the size of Berkshire and capable of traversing the distance between New York and New York in any direction, Siphuncle was, for a short time, the only known nuclear power in the world."

"Upon reading of the test flight, John D. Rockefeller was heard to remark, "Fetch my gun and a box of my finest ammunition slaves.""

"The claws of the AF Mallard made short work of Rockefeller's indentured target-practice and Siphuncle landed in flames upon the summit of Mount de Mont Mint, in the Swiss Pyrenchees. Tuesday had been abandoned. The President of Lichtenstein, M. Fouf-Oof Argh-Ooo-Mm Bler De Zizz, was quoted as staying."

"After a week or so of, the AF Mallard's rebating beams began to fall into disrepale. Without fresh supplies of duck juice, Siphuncle knew that his monstrous de-invention would revert to its constituent parts; reed, wheat, oily leaves and a fanatical wheel-based mechanism with its own proto-sentience."

"Sadly, it was too late. In attempting to make a revived take-off from the lower slopes of Mount de Mont Mint, the AF Mallard's ventral stabilising penis became entangled in the rocky chlamydians of Switzerland's Infected Rolling Hills and the resulting fireball destroyed much of the nascent European foible industry, leading directly to World War InABit. Possibly more."

"Siphuncle survived but his invention wasn't. Thanks to an investment in Bouncy FacePads (tm), "Your Cheeks Are In Safe Hands", Siphuncle was catapulted into the laboratory of his erstwhile teacher, the venerable Clitoramus de Labia."

Yes, he did. I expect Sir Bob Geldof is shaking in his grave knowing the undisclosed breadth of Siphuncle's humanitarian exploits. Siphuncle worked with Clitoramus de Labia full-time, part-time, all-time, one-time, and tea-time. There he made some of his finest inventions:

• The tea towel, lunch towel, supper towel and t'owl as a set called Three Towels and a Wildlife
• The radioactive, adhesive gas Uhunium
• Mongolian Standard Time (eventually split into British Standard Time and the nation of Mongolia)  

I will cover some of these in more and much later but now I must rush off and watch my VCR recording of the Eastenders Omnibus from Christmas 1993 before anyone tells me what happened. See you in the next time.

Gastropod Tricker Nude Study and one other

 Well, here it is now then! Here it is! As promised I can now bring you 'Gastropod Tricker Nude Study' (1847), a painting feared unseeable until... it was recently seen by Dr Daniel Ironic-Thrust, a world expert on this sort of thing and that sort of thing. Here he goes...

"As requested, I have unearthed Siphuncle's 1847 work, entitled 'Gastropod Tricker Nude Study'. I must say that I find it somewhat beguiling.

A 35 year old cherubic ruffian erotically tickles an owl. This metophorically represents something or other. The owl doesn't want to be in the picture, preferring instead to be at home eating strawberry ice-cream and watching the X Factor. A stuffed jay is nailed to the wall behind. The jay would not normally be impressed by the seraphim oik's display of turpitude, but to be honest, it's dead, so what do you expect?

You may notice (or maybe you didn't) that there are no gastropods depicted in the painting. They were tricked by Siphuncle into appearing in a different painting by a different artist who was actually a sculptor and not actually a painter and possibly not even actually a sculptor. The gastropods were never seen again. Perhaps they preferred it that way, the dirty little beggars.

The butterflies were not painted by Siphuncle, but were later added by an unknown artist at the request of the painting's former owner, Lady Penelope-Antelope Whitwednesday de Manacle. Dental x-rays have since shown the horrors hidden beneath. The butterfly on the left conceals the twisted face of Jonathan Agnew in full spasm, and the butterfly on the right hides a recipe for food (and a tiny willy). In hindsight, you can't really blame Lady de Manacle for her bespoilment of the Siphuncle picture - you too would have done the same.

What do I win?"

HA HA Ha Ha Ha, what do I win and better luck next time!!! It's difficult not to laugh in relief that this painting has finally come into consciousness. There's very little to say. Dr Ironic-Thrust has said all that is needed. I will simply add one word:

Winky

And leave it at that. Now to finish I shall review one last painting which always was. Here Prof Atrium brings it to us:

A Worm Eats Part of His Head (1856, or just before the Shipping Forecast)

"This work was expanded from its original, which can be seen in the view from the window above the female figure's left shoulder. This small landscape is the infamous Seaside Inside (1899), Siphuncle's very first attempt at a metaphorical philoso-rubbing.

He decided to expand upon the original after a family friend was found dead on Cromer putting green, in several pieces, none of them entirely himself.

The two figures in the painting are Siphuncle's step-half-uncle, 'Chunky' Boris Munky and his three-quarter aunt, two-thirds mother, nine-tenths sister, Wisteria 'Chesty' Gobcheese. They are pictured as a prostitute and her prospective client, or 'worm' as they used to be called. The venue is an old 'head' shop, of the kind no longer found, which were popular in that they were. The 'worm' is attempting to pay the prostitute in potato crisps - Doritos and Walker's Salt n' Beefpepper, to be exact. Siphuncle lived on a diet of these crisps for many minutes. Pomegranate. Grapes. Bread.

The animals hanging on the back wall were all alive when painted and have presumably been imported by Siphuncle from the future, being as they were part of the famous 1950s Jazz ensemble, The Speaking Larks. The 'Larks were not only the first non-human Jazz ensemble ever to play Ronnie Plop's 'Plop Club de Filth', but were the only one to be their own instruments. Just visible is the group's bass throat, Harry, alongside the soprano octagon, Miranda Kleb. The others sit above, with Jesus. The large flintlock firearm upended at the rear used to belong to Siphuncle's earwax tutor, Imridris Hemlock, who would employ it to remove particularly stubborn clods, together with clients' brains.

The painting was kindly donated by force."

Yes, and it really did. Fantastic work talking about that painting there Prof Atrium. You can see why he is a professor. You can't make it up if it wrote itself could you?

Well, and now next time there it will all be about his inventions as per previous blogisode. I hope you look forward to enjoying it.

Moon Recordings

Good Morning. I hope you have all recovered from the sight of a new Siphuncle masterpiece and the news of more to come (see previous)?  Now I would like to change words and talk about his inventions and discoveries. I may even try and recreate some of his most famous experiments. I probably wont though. To begin with I will discuss his famous moon recording recordings.

The audio recordings of the moon (1918-1921) were made in their entirety. The Rev had patented a long-distance audio recorder, much like a telescope but for the sounds that he called "noises". Although no evidence of design plans remain the device is thought to have constituted a modified diamond-tipped gramophone recorder mounted on horseback. The recording trumpet was a tube of undetermined length full of

"mirrors and charcoal and that sort of thing for magnifying and purifying and magnifying and purifying the soundnoise in that order". 

The device initially worked well but was plagued with backgrounds. His first ever subject, the Archbishop of Bethnal Green, spoke about his experience in his 'Experiences with the Rev Fanoire Siphuncle' Experience Book (1939):

'I was asked to ascend Mount Hereford (in the Bogswolds) and to wait there with my signalling mirror and candle-lamp. It wasn't a perfect night, the wind almost blew my mitre into a ravine.The Rev was standing on one leg at the peak of Throughputt Hill (over 50 miles away) with the horse-mounted device . I could see his signal clearly despite the howling rain. The whole process was completed very quickly and I spent more time climbing the peak than the recording.'

'We communicated during the hour by light signal codes. The Rev asked me to make several pre-arranged noises which were very specific. He would make angry signals with his mirrors if I deviated from this or tried to insert any of my famous animal impressions, such as the African Bird-Eating Bee, or Hudson's Paraquat Ape.'

The recording of this strange night is now in the British Museum of Folly along with the Moon Recordings. An excerpt of this recording is below:

Recording of Archbishop of Bethnal Green

Further recordings followed, each one increasing in distance until a limit of a few hundred miles was reached. The curvature of the Earth prevented progress and led to the decision to go straight for the moon.  From the notebooks of the Reverend:

'It was the first clear night for three weeks. It had rained mostly through November and I was delighted that the clouds had dissipated in anticipation of the Birth of our Lord. An historic recording of the moon was now in the balance. Things went pretty well - a few adjustments and I was able to get what I hoped would be a good recording very quickly. I tucked the copper vinyl disc under my arm and began to make my way back with the moon expediently presenting my own shadow for me to follow.'

'Upon settling back into the lab I put the vinyl on straight away. The initial crackle caused an unquenchable excitement within me as the disc rotated, hissed and hummed. Success! The recording seemed excellent. I am not sure how to interpret what I have heard but clearly these are genuine moon sounds!'

The recording is presented below

Moon Recording

At the time the recordings were ridiculed as nonsensical, absurd, hilarious and a practical joke. However, in modern times these adjectives have been replaced by more modern expressions of incredulity such as boggleforth, bafflicating, poppycockerel and "very silly".

In response to this negative reaction Siphuncle did what he always does...he temporarily disappeared. He returned sometime in the spring, arriving naked on horseback to reclaim his parish from the temporary replacement Rev David Wensleybottom*. His work from then on concentrated on a new type of technology, that of nuclear power. We shall read more about that next time in the next blogisode.

*Rev Wensleybottom would go on to commit various acts of genocide in Rhodesia whilst hiding in a dustbin. He was sentenced to prison three times but never went.

Apologies to those who have not seen anything new in these pages for a while. I have spent the last few months in space on the International Space Station trying to photograph the giant Swindon Tryptych, painted over centuries ago by our very own Rev Siphuncle.

When I returned I emptied my email inbox onto my desk and hungrily ravished the contents. There, staring me in the eyes was a message from Ironic thrust who it appears has found a very rare painting indeed. He has found  'Gastropod Tricker Nude Study'!!!

As soon as I can scan it in to my Loehnberg Auto II I shall present it. Unfortunately I need to get the repair man to fix it as, in my long absence, a circus midget had made his home in the rear segments of the machine. But don't worry. I had him shot.

In the absence of this exciting painting I will present one sent to me by Vernon Atrium which is also a painting which has never been seen! It's entitled 'Matt Damon Gripping A Sybarus' which has been missing for some time. Professor Atrium scanned this one in using the Graffenberg Bergschrunder which can be found in the International Painting Observatory in Bern, Switzerland.

Matt Damon Gripping A Sybarus (1839. Possibly ten to seven. Definitely an evening, at some point)

Siphuncle was an early sponsor of the actor Matt Damon, accidentally paying for the then-schoolboy to attend Captain Fettle's Fine Academy For Outgoing Young Lads. After the inevitable court case cause celebre and Fettle's eventual execution by diarrheaing squad, Siphuncle painted his tribute to the actor Matt Damon on a postage stamp, later expanding to a napkin, then a handkerchief, scarf, doormat and, eventually, the 85,000-foot by 24,000-foot canvas you see represented here, now hanging in orbit between Jupiter and Saturn.

In the customary, contrary Siphuncle manner, the actor Matt Damon is not included in the painting, at all. Critics have attempted to find him metaphorically, but we all know what a lucrative waste of everyone's time that is. Rather, the painting depicts the angel Madrigal leading a host of the recently-deceased to annoy the Ritalin-deficient celebrity pirate Russell Brand, fresh from his exploits performing at the Edinburgh Fresh Fish Dance in 2005. Amongst the crowd you may spot any or all of the following;

Chris Addison

Stephen K. Amos

Simon Amstell

Dan Antopolski

Arthur Askey

David Baddiel

Bill Bailey

Sacha Baron Cohen

Julian Barratt

Mitch Benn

Sanjeev Bhaskar

Danny Bhoy

Simon Bird

John Bishop

Richard Blackwood

Adam Bloom

Frankie Boyle

Jo Brand

Russell Brand

Kevin Bridges

Marcus Brigstocke

Roy 'Chubby' Brown

Rob Brydon

Rhona Cameron

James Campbell

Alan Carr

Jimmy Carr

Jasper Carrott

Jo Caulfield

Craig Charles

Ted Chippington

Paul Chowdhry

Julian Clary

Jackie Clune

Justin Lee Collins

Robbie Coltrane

Pat Condell

Brian Conley

Billy Connolly

Peter Cook

Tommy Cooper

Chris Corcoran

Matthew Crosby

Jim Davidson

Alan Davies

Les Dawson

Jack Dee

Hugh Dennis

Bill Dewar

Omid Djalili

Ken Dodd

Karen Dunbar

Justin Edwards

Ben Elton

Jo Enright

Lee Evans

Simon Evans

Graham Fellows

Marty Feldman

Craig Ferguson

Noel Fielding

Micky Flanagan

Paul Foot

Ricky Gervais

Kulvinder Ghir

Rhod Gilbert

Janey Godley

Dave Gorman

Boothby Graffoe

Stephen Grant

Jeff Green

Colin Griffiths

Malcolm Hardee

Jeremy Hardy

Natalie Haynes

Lenny Henry

Richard Herring

Benny Hill

Harry Hill

Wil Hodgson

Russell Howard

Frankie Howerd

Lee Hurst

Robin Ince

Eddie Izzard

Jethro

Milton Jones

Peter Kay

Phil Kay

Shappi Khorsandi

Patrick Kielty

Hugh Laurie

Stewart Lee

Sean Lock

Josie Long

Daniel Kitson

Lee Mack

Jason Manford

Bernard Manning

Max Miller

Michael McIntyre

Donna McPhail

Sarah Millican

Shazia Mirza

John Moloney

Bob Monkhouse

Simon Munnery

Al Murray

Rob Newman

Ross Noble

John Oliver

Celia Pacquola

Andy Parsons

Simon Pegg

Sue Perkins

Lucy Porter

Chris Ramsey

Howard Read

Mike Reid

George Roper

Rob Rouse

Jerry Sadowitz

Linda Smith

Dave Spikey

Mark Steel

Kev F. Sutherland

Meera Syal

Eric Sykes

Jimmy Tarbuck

Mark Thomas

Tommy Trinder

Royston Vasey

Johnny Vegas

Tim Vine

Nina Wadia

Mark Watson

Reg White

Jack Whitehall

Victoria Wood

Gina Yashere

Henny Youngman

Andy Zaltzman

Ola

Dylan Moran

Writing of the work after his death, Siphuncle wished it to be, ". . . launched from this place to the very 'eavens, so the Lawd Gawd 'imself will 'ave summat t'look at, rather than all them fackin' angels." His wish was granted in 2011, when NASA bought the work as ballast for its ill-fated Little Green Man misison to Mars.

 

Excellent work! No wonder Vernon Atrium is a professor. That's a lot of words. Hopefully we will see the exciting new Gastropod Tricker better luck next time.

Another one from Vernon Atrium and his wife. And another one from Ironic Thrust but first another one from Vernon Atrium. Another one!

Interbreeding With Helmet and Lance, Vol.1 Ep. 5.5.5.

"Painted in a frenzy of activity following a particularly lurid dream, this work is one of Siphuncle's most infamous. It was banned upon its painting by the artist himself and has since been responsible for several infections, murders and crimes against livestock. On its completion, it is said that Siphuncle collapsed in a state of utter exhaustion, overturning several pots of green and purple oils to create, inadvertently, the well-ignored series of Shifty Invertebrate paintings now housed in the National Portrait Skip in Bradford. Upon regaining consciousness, Siphuncle claims that the figures in the painting were stood around him, urging him to commit various acts of degradation upon himself with a pencil. Upon shouting his refusal, the figures returned to the painting and have stayed there ever since.
The reclining male figure is not Siphuncle, of course, but rather an idealised figure of the late paedophilic politician, Cyril Smith. The female figure is said to represent Liberal guilt. The imp / satyr characters are Arsenal's famous back four of the 1990s, Nigel Winterburn, Lee Dixon, Tony Adams and Martin Keown, although no-one really knows which is whom, or whence they are why. Viewers of the painting are said to be cursed and should seek restitution in the nearest public swimming baths, although this has never been confirmed."

Myself, I'm not sure about this one. Granted its production inadvertently gave way to the Shifty Invertebrate paintings which most admit are amongst his most deeply felt and turbulent pieces, but this work seems rather contrived. The inclusion of Jimmy Krankie in the bottom right serves to distract from the real issue which is the androgynous woman who, though reclining, is very much alert to her inner turmoil, but this seems unresolved and [breadbin]. Never mind. 


And here is one from Ironic Thrust called Memory of Woman Thrice Naked

"Painted on his Grand Tour of Birmingham, this Siphuncle piece dates from circa 2pm, 1870. It depicts a greengrocer's daughter, riddled with colitis of the thrush. An avid snooker fan, she grumpily scratches her sternum with a dagger, while she waits for the telly to warm up.
The towers in the background are an obvious phallic reference, and the pearls on the subject's head are believed to be a metaphor for bukkake. Her neck braid is just lovely, and reminds me of the time I was reluctantly tied to a horse.
She is clearly a slut.
It is rumoured that Siphuncle painted this picture from memory, two days after seeing his first lady. After finishing the painting, he overdosed on Sun-Pat and was luckily revived by the window cleaner, who had been fiddling with himself outside. Siphuncle never paid the window cleaner and consequently had grimy panes for the rest of his days."

Also worth mentioning is that the Rev, shortly after painting this became so confused by his own subsequent arousal that he fell in love with a cat for three days resulting in his brief 'Strange Period' which lasted for three days and 72 hours and resulted in a lot of strange paintings, most of which were burnt by the Constabulary. Shortly after the Reverend was taken in by a glamorous young woman called Mavisse Beaker, and after having seven children returned to paint his most famous of all paintings, the Giant Swindon Tryptych which can only be seen from space.

Excellent and better luck next time.