Another one from Vernon Atrium and his wife. And another one from Ironic Thrust but first another one from Vernon Atrium. Another one!

Interbreeding With Helmet and Lance, Vol.1 Ep. 5.5.5.

"Painted in a frenzy of activity following a particularly lurid dream, this work is one of Siphuncle's most infamous. It was banned upon its painting by the artist himself and has since been responsible for several infections, murders and crimes against livestock. On its completion, it is said that Siphuncle collapsed in a state of utter exhaustion, overturning several pots of green and purple oils to create, inadvertently, the well-ignored series of Shifty Invertebrate paintings now housed in the National Portrait Skip in Bradford. Upon regaining consciousness, Siphuncle claims that the figures in the painting were stood around him, urging him to commit various acts of degradation upon himself with a pencil. Upon shouting his refusal, the figures returned to the painting and have stayed there ever since.
The reclining male figure is not Siphuncle, of course, but rather an idealised figure of the late paedophilic politician, Cyril Smith. The female figure is said to represent Liberal guilt. The imp / satyr characters are Arsenal's famous back four of the 1990s, Nigel Winterburn, Lee Dixon, Tony Adams and Martin Keown, although no-one really knows which is whom, or whence they are why. Viewers of the painting are said to be cursed and should seek restitution in the nearest public swimming baths, although this has never been confirmed."

Myself, I'm not sure about this one. Granted its production inadvertently gave way to the Shifty Invertebrate paintings which most admit are amongst his most deeply felt and turbulent pieces, but this work seems rather contrived. The inclusion of Jimmy Krankie in the bottom right serves to distract from the real issue which is the androgynous woman who, though reclining, is very much alert to her inner turmoil, but this seems unresolved and [breadbin]. Never mind. 


And here is one from Ironic Thrust called Memory of Woman Thrice Naked

"Painted on his Grand Tour of Birmingham, this Siphuncle piece dates from circa 2pm, 1870. It depicts a greengrocer's daughter, riddled with colitis of the thrush. An avid snooker fan, she grumpily scratches her sternum with a dagger, while she waits for the telly to warm up.
The towers in the background are an obvious phallic reference, and the pearls on the subject's head are believed to be a metaphor for bukkake. Her neck braid is just lovely, and reminds me of the time I was reluctantly tied to a horse.
She is clearly a slut.
It is rumoured that Siphuncle painted this picture from memory, two days after seeing his first lady. After finishing the painting, he overdosed on Sun-Pat and was luckily revived by the window cleaner, who had been fiddling with himself outside. Siphuncle never paid the window cleaner and consequently had grimy panes for the rest of his days."

Also worth mentioning is that the Rev, shortly after painting this became so confused by his own subsequent arousal that he fell in love with a cat for three days resulting in his brief 'Strange Period' which lasted for three days and 72 hours and resulted in a lot of strange paintings, most of which were burnt by the Constabulary. Shortly after the Reverend was taken in by a glamorous young woman called Mavisse Beaker, and after having seven children returned to paint his most famous of all paintings, the Giant Swindon Tryptych which can only be seen from space.

Excellent and better luck next time.

It seems that the article on the art of Rev Siphuncle has stimulated our readers to come forth with their own sightings of paintings by the man who painted them. I'll devote the rest of this post to the emails that have recently arrived in my computer.

Here is a painting sent to me by Ironic Thrust. He writes. Yes. Here he goes:

"This delightul painting was found at the back of my attic under a pair of three things. Could it be a genuine Siphuncle masterpiece, or is it a genuine fake? A crayonic scrawl on the back of the canvas says that the image depicts an ancient puppy who, after engorging itself on sperm and sherbet dib-dabs, has taken to the sea and rapidly evolved into the creature that you see depicted. Enraged with thoughts of never being able to chase tennis balls again, it grabs the first alternative it can find - a clipper bound for Nantucket. On board the clipper are some idiots and a cargo of Tesco Finest mould.
I believe the picture above is actually displayed incorrectly. It should be rotated anti-clockwise by 89 degrees. The water is held up by Blu-tack and/or Gloy.
Do you think it is worth anything?"

Do I think it is worth anything? Well thanks for sending that one in Ironic Thrust and better luck next time. It does indeed look like a genuine. It's an interesting story about the painting but I personally believe that this is an ironic self-portrait of the artist and the scene represents his desire to be a metaphor for a whale.



What's next? This is next. Next now. An hemail from my good friend Mr and Mrs Vernon Atrium who has sent another picture with an excellent description. He really is. 

"Self-Portrait In Which I Do Not Appear (composed and painted on a Tuesday, final retouching on the afternoon of Epiphany, 1956pm)"

"One of a series of self-portraits, arranged posthumously by critics into Siphuncle's 'Drippy Black' period, in which the artist would imagine himself as others saw him and commence to paint the exact opposite. The resemblance is quite uncanny, although the pair of studded cups behind the central figure do resemble cans, vaguely. Also apparent is Siphuncle's love of chicken wire, in the circular fenêtre de la cloche-end monstrueux to the upper-right. For Siphuncle, chicken wire symbolised the human condition in its starkest form and he would often refer to it in conversation, replacing words such as, 'love', 'terror', 'bravery' and 'food' with, 'chicken wire'.
The central figure is shown holding a chain of paper-clips - Siphuncle's cunning hint that we are not regarding a genuine Renaissance portrait. See also his Symbiotic Goat of Malmo from the same series, where the central, two-headed figure is shown licking an ashtray full of staples. Finally, Siphuncle once again shows his disdain for painting hair - hence the 'drippy black' atop the figure's head. "I hate hair," Siphuncle is quoted as saying, almost constantly, to anyone who would listen. "Hair is the coiled wyrm of Satan's spasmodic bowel come to life in this vile world of failure." Despite this vindictive attitude, the artist was, towards the end of his lives, frequently asked to endorse several ranges of hair-care products, such as; Head n' Shoulders, Pant N and Laurel's 'Because We Want Your Money, Ugly' collection of antique chemical scalp burns."

I think Mr and Mrs Atrium has and have explained this perfectly well. Fanoire, as many who will have read my booklet 'The Life and Works of Rev Fanoire Siphuncle' (ISBN 2938479238) will know as well that his phobia of hair resulted in him going bald voluntarily in his birthday year. His good friend and enemy Dr Spadix Grotesque stole the hair and took it to the police who, after investigation imprisoned Rev Siphuncle for hours. They later released him on condition that he would go away. Which he did.

A well kept secret about this painting is that the gentleman depicted in the picture was actually Luigi Lisa the brother of the Mona Lisa. The two men looked so alike that it was easy to convince those that he had appeared in a portrait in which he had not appeared. At last some clarity!

In the next post I will present another find from Mr and Mrs Vernon Atrium. Until then better luck next time!

I have had a lot of interest about yesterday's article (see yesterday's article) on the art of the Reverend yesterday including an email from a good friend of mine, art critic and Fanoire fan, Mr and Mrs Vernon Atrium. Mr and Mrs writes,

"Herewith is a little-known Siphuncle piece, from his 'beard' period, entitled, The Stitching of Nanty Drews."

"Nanty Drews was a 17th-century petty thief and senior member of the Whig party, tragically killed in a nude pogo-stick accident. Naturally, his fellow Whigs decided to eat him in tribute and Siphuncle here shows a fictionalised representation of that meal. Leading the festivities on the far left is Sir John St. John-Saint Johnson-Saint, the Whig Chief Whip and Scissorman. At the back of the observing group are the infamous conjoined twins Hestus and Phaestus McJestus, MPs for Hackney North-By-Northwest and Yeovil Underbelly, respectively. Just in front of them is the MP for Biggleswade SouthMouth, the Rt. Hon. Seckwith-Viral. To his right, the Rt. Hon. Sir Bembridge Sandown-Shanklin, MP for Orkney & Shetland. Leaning over the head of the corpse is the Rt. Hon. Sir Nathan Bathe-Maven, MP for Rotherhithe-To-Hellespont and the notorious Suffolk Cattle Boiler. To his left, with his trademark look of wistfulness, is the King's Own Raven Meddler, Archibald Feathers. The final figure to the extreme right is unknown. It is thought that only Siphuncle himself could see this shadowy figure, whom critics have come to refer to as 'Uncle Olaf'."

Well thank you for that Mr and Mrs Vernon Atrium and better luck next time! 

The Artwork of Rev Fanoire Siphuncle

Here, presented here, is the (here) artwork of the Reverend Fanoire Siphuncle, famed polymath and inventor. In 1871 (and 1983) the Reverend embarked on his most ambitious project to date in 1983. Entitled 'Things That Can Happen' it was intended to be a demonstration of possible occurrences and contained ten paintings, differing in content but following the theme. Hailed as a masterpiece by Mr Patel on the corner word reached the London Galleries but they were too late. In a fit of self-consciousness the Reverend hid the paintings, never to be seen again until they were seen again. Now they can be seen again.
Unfortunately I have found the originals difficult to photograph because they are in the dark. I therefore present the ten titles here. If anyone would like to see them with a view to purchasing the "job lot" for an agreed sum and they can see in the dark then PM me and you can come and see some of the things and look at them and see them in the dark.

1. Overture - a pig eating sun lotion and crying
2. A wellington boot blocking a butcher's path (with sunset)
3. St Paul's cathedral asking for a pay rise from a man dressed as the Queen
4. One cigarette (not two cigarettes) and a slight spillage
5. Three unnaturally tall gentlemen in gowns with moustaches considering an unusual spectacle at lunchtime
6. The village idiot having covered himself in butter realises his cowboy suit is still too tight
7. A pencil, gripped firmly by an ape as he falls from his motorscooter
8. Poseidon reaches out from the sea and places a half-sucked Werther's original in a topless bathers purse during a thunderstorm
9. A boxing contest between a homeless gentleman and powerful gravitational forces
10. Three scotch eggs carefully placed with World War II in the background

Please look at the descriptions and see if you can see whether you would like to see them.
These of course are not the only paintings that were created by the Rev. This is just his masterpiece which is brilliant. In the rest of this article I will be looking at paintings he did that can be seen (since they are not in the dark). Look at them too. But they are not for sale. I don't know where they are.



Here is one of his famous paintings entitled Three Boys Waiting For Things That Can Happen. Can you see the third boy?

Another one from the same period. Called "Observation time" it was won in a bet by Sir Gerald Throughputt and never seen again. But it can be seen here.

Apparently the boy in the background belonged to the Reverend but there is no record of him ever having been. It's a mystery.




This is called "One of a Woman".

There are no strings on her violin. This is because the painting was made shortly before the invention of strings.

She is supposed to be a miniature woman but the Rev was so enthralled and engrossed in his vision that he forgot to show a sense of scale. The woman is thought to be looking at a man who is towering above her brandishing a pork chop, or so the Rev claims in his obituary.



This last one for today is an early attempt at a Painting of an Incident.

 The Rev was so unhappy with it that he wrote a rival painter's name in the corner. However, the true source was revealed when someone asked if he had painted it and he said, "Yes.".

Well I hope you enjoyed reading and seeing about the Rev Fanoire Siphuncle's paintings. Better luck next time.