Patty Fatois - The Woman

Hello again to you.

It's been a while. I haven't written much because of all the whisky that I was given at Christmas. It took me a long time to decide how best to drink it.

 I want to talk to you today about an important part of the Rev Fanoire Siphuncle's life. The woman in his life, Patty Fatois. Although the Reverend had many wives in his many lives there was always one constant companion that never left his side that wasn't a dog. Patty Fatois was Siphuncle's housemaid - and much more so this than. There is mention of Patty Fatois alongside the medieval accounts of the Reverend. She outlives him in the twentieth century and is born before him in the 19th century. A fearsomely intelligent woman she is credited with some of his inventions that he didn't, e.g. the horse-drawn colander, the Spine-Tidy medical implant, and the Scottish Potato. Not only this but some say she was the real love of his life and the secret mother of children that cannot be proved to have ever existed.

Patty Fatois was born in Trinidad and Tobago as one of three identical twins. Her mother, originally a Kenyan, disappeared during the birth and was never seen. Her French father, Ranulphe Fatois, a man in his late teens, and already balding all over, was left to deal with a complex multiple birth with no equipment or medical expertise. He performed the operation brilliantly showing gigantic brains and skill which he was to pass on to his daughter following his death and then he died.

The orphan Fatois was bundled with her siblings into what was called a "slavery batch" and boated to Liverpool, England where she was adopted by the clergy. It was here four decades later that Siphuncle and Fatois first met and meet they did and indeed with her as a forty-something maid and him as a lesser-aged clergical up-to-something. He had just accidentally married himself to Lady Annabelle Duchelm due to an administrative error and therefore needed a shoulder to cry on. Patty Fatois had the largest shoulder in England and so was summoned from Axminster to tend to the Reverend who was pretending to be the Archbishop of Canterbury for financial reasons. From that moment on they bonded in ways that can only be described. And immediately Patty was installed as his personal assistant, cleaner, and any other duties.

Throughout the years she supported him when his wifes had gone wild, or when an invention had gone missing, or when someone mistook him for the Archbishop of Canterbury and tried to stab him, or when someone confused him with Benjamin Disraeli (for financial reasons) and tried to break into his laboratory and leave excrement in his broth distillery, or when he just couldn't remember who he was (for financial reasons), or because.

I wont speak anymore as it is a long subject and instead you should buy my new audio CD 'Patty Fatois through the ages' which you can buy.

Also, it's lights out soon so I have to at least pretend to be asleep.

Next time I will talk about something else and then you will see!

Better luck next time!