Apologies to those who have not seen anything new in these pages for a while. I have spent the last few months in space on the International Space Station trying to photograph the giant Swindon Tryptych, painted over centuries ago by our very own Rev Siphuncle.

When I returned I emptied my email inbox onto my desk and hungrily ravished the contents. There, staring me in the eyes was a message from Ironic thrust who it appears has found a very rare painting indeed. He has found  'Gastropod Tricker Nude Study'!!!

As soon as I can scan it in to my Loehnberg Auto II I shall present it. Unfortunately I need to get the repair man to fix it as, in my long absence, a circus midget had made his home in the rear segments of the machine. But don't worry. I had him shot.

In the absence of this exciting painting I will present one sent to me by Vernon Atrium which is also a painting which has never been seen! It's entitled 'Matt Damon Gripping A Sybarus' which has been missing for some time. Professor Atrium scanned this one in using the Graffenberg Bergschrunder which can be found in the International Painting Observatory in Bern, Switzerland.

Matt Damon Gripping A Sybarus (1839. Possibly ten to seven. Definitely an evening, at some point)

Siphuncle was an early sponsor of the actor Matt Damon, accidentally paying for the then-schoolboy to attend Captain Fettle's Fine Academy For Outgoing Young Lads. After the inevitable court case cause celebre and Fettle's eventual execution by diarrheaing squad, Siphuncle painted his tribute to the actor Matt Damon on a postage stamp, later expanding to a napkin, then a handkerchief, scarf, doormat and, eventually, the 85,000-foot by 24,000-foot canvas you see represented here, now hanging in orbit between Jupiter and Saturn.

In the customary, contrary Siphuncle manner, the actor Matt Damon is not included in the painting, at all. Critics have attempted to find him metaphorically, but we all know what a lucrative waste of everyone's time that is. Rather, the painting depicts the angel Madrigal leading a host of the recently-deceased to annoy the Ritalin-deficient celebrity pirate Russell Brand, fresh from his exploits performing at the Edinburgh Fresh Fish Dance in 2005. Amongst the crowd you may spot any or all of the following;

Chris Addison

Stephen K. Amos

Simon Amstell

Dan Antopolski

Arthur Askey

David Baddiel

Bill Bailey

Sacha Baron Cohen

Julian Barratt

Mitch Benn

Sanjeev Bhaskar

Danny Bhoy

Simon Bird

John Bishop

Richard Blackwood

Adam Bloom

Frankie Boyle

Jo Brand

Russell Brand

Kevin Bridges

Marcus Brigstocke

Roy 'Chubby' Brown

Rob Brydon

Rhona Cameron

James Campbell

Alan Carr

Jimmy Carr

Jasper Carrott

Jo Caulfield

Craig Charles

Ted Chippington

Paul Chowdhry

Julian Clary

Jackie Clune

Justin Lee Collins

Robbie Coltrane

Pat Condell

Brian Conley

Billy Connolly

Peter Cook

Tommy Cooper

Chris Corcoran

Matthew Crosby

Jim Davidson

Alan Davies

Les Dawson

Jack Dee

Hugh Dennis

Bill Dewar

Omid Djalili

Ken Dodd

Karen Dunbar

Justin Edwards

Ben Elton

Jo Enright

Lee Evans

Simon Evans

Graham Fellows

Marty Feldman

Craig Ferguson

Noel Fielding

Micky Flanagan

Paul Foot

Ricky Gervais

Kulvinder Ghir

Rhod Gilbert

Janey Godley

Dave Gorman

Boothby Graffoe

Stephen Grant

Jeff Green

Colin Griffiths

Malcolm Hardee

Jeremy Hardy

Natalie Haynes

Lenny Henry

Richard Herring

Benny Hill

Harry Hill

Wil Hodgson

Russell Howard

Frankie Howerd

Lee Hurst

Robin Ince

Eddie Izzard

Jethro

Milton Jones

Peter Kay

Phil Kay

Shappi Khorsandi

Patrick Kielty

Hugh Laurie

Stewart Lee

Sean Lock

Josie Long

Daniel Kitson

Lee Mack

Jason Manford

Bernard Manning

Max Miller

Michael McIntyre

Donna McPhail

Sarah Millican

Shazia Mirza

John Moloney

Bob Monkhouse

Simon Munnery

Al Murray

Rob Newman

Ross Noble

John Oliver

Celia Pacquola

Andy Parsons

Simon Pegg

Sue Perkins

Lucy Porter

Chris Ramsey

Howard Read

Mike Reid

George Roper

Rob Rouse

Jerry Sadowitz

Linda Smith

Dave Spikey

Mark Steel

Kev F. Sutherland

Meera Syal

Eric Sykes

Jimmy Tarbuck

Mark Thomas

Tommy Trinder

Royston Vasey

Johnny Vegas

Tim Vine

Nina Wadia

Mark Watson

Reg White

Jack Whitehall

Victoria Wood

Gina Yashere

Henny Youngman

Andy Zaltzman

Ola

Dylan Moran

Writing of the work after his death, Siphuncle wished it to be, ". . . launched from this place to the very 'eavens, so the Lawd Gawd 'imself will 'ave summat t'look at, rather than all them fackin' angels." His wish was granted in 2011, when NASA bought the work as ballast for its ill-fated Little Green Man misison to Mars.

 

Excellent work! No wonder Vernon Atrium is a professor. That's a lot of words. Hopefully we will see the exciting new Gastropod Tricker better luck next time.