Nuclear Power, Feed The World and The Astroflange Mallard

Good evening and more on the Reverend's inventions now with one of his inventions that he did. This next one happened in the approximately 1930s circa. Professor Vernon Atrium has spoken about this and next him. Personally I don't believe a word of it but then I didn't believe in 'Family Fortunes' and that told me. I could have earned a mint with that idea. Oh, well better luck next time. Over to the Professor, who by the sounds of his ramblings is very quite drunk having received a crate of Crab Wine that I sent him last week.

"Siphuncle's genius knew no bounds, such that he often required a net to catch it as it flew by. Thus came upon about him betwixt one evening, as 'twere, his inventionary masterplace - the AstroFlange Mallard. A combination of Copernican Physics, Ptolemaic Chemistry and Nazi Ornithology, the AstroFlange Mallard was Siphuncle's attempt to feed the known world, whilst wiping out those portions of it he deemed, 'unnecessary'. Mounted upon two 360-degree fellatons the size of Berkshire and capable of traversing the distance between New York and New York in any direction, Siphuncle was, for a short time, the only known nuclear power in the world."

"Upon reading of the test flight, John D. Rockefeller was heard to remark, "Fetch my gun and a box of my finest ammunition slaves.""

"The claws of the AF Mallard made short work of Rockefeller's indentured target-practice and Siphuncle landed in flames upon the summit of Mount de Mont Mint, in the Swiss Pyrenchees. Tuesday had been abandoned. The President of Lichtenstein, M. Fouf-Oof Argh-Ooo-Mm Bler De Zizz, was quoted as staying."

"After a week or so of, the AF Mallard's rebating beams began to fall into disrepale. Without fresh supplies of duck juice, Siphuncle knew that his monstrous de-invention would revert to its constituent parts; reed, wheat, oily leaves and a fanatical wheel-based mechanism with its own proto-sentience."

"Sadly, it was too late. In attempting to make a revived take-off from the lower slopes of Mount de Mont Mint, the AF Mallard's ventral stabilising penis became entangled in the rocky chlamydians of Switzerland's Infected Rolling Hills and the resulting fireball destroyed much of the nascent European foible industry, leading directly to World War InABit. Possibly more."

"Siphuncle survived but his invention wasn't. Thanks to an investment in Bouncy FacePads (tm), "Your Cheeks Are In Safe Hands", Siphuncle was catapulted into the laboratory of his erstwhile teacher, the venerable Clitoramus de Labia."

Yes, he did. I expect Sir Bob Geldof is shaking in his grave knowing the undisclosed breadth of Siphuncle's humanitarian exploits. Siphuncle worked with Clitoramus de Labia full-time, part-time, all-time, one-time, and tea-time. There he made some of his finest inventions:

• The tea towel, lunch towel, supper towel and t'owl as a set called Three Towels and a Wildlife
• The radioactive, adhesive gas Uhunium
• Mongolian Standard Time (eventually split into British Standard Time and the nation of Mongolia)  

I will cover some of these in more and much later but now I must rush off and watch my VCR recording of the Eastenders Omnibus from Christmas 1993 before anyone tells me what happened. See you in the next time.